The fault in my star :The letter
by Kimoto Kaoru
Summary: Hazel, 13 years-old, has diagnosed with lungs cancer and received the treatment for many months. And she is finally leaving the hospital.


The fault in my star : The letter

LEAVING HOSPITAL

I am so stuffed with an awful plain breakfast that I had and that I will never finish. Too full to even walk around this crowded patient room making sure nothing was left behind. If someone punched my stomach right now, I would literally puke. But this is just not a big deal because today is a special day. It's special enough that I can forget about my shortness of breath, I can stand straight, walk to the window sill, open the window and start yelling

"Today is the shiniest day on earth's history!"

"Hazel, I am so happy to see you are having a good day so far.

But can you get ready a little bit quicker? Dr. Maria will be here maybe in a few minutes to have the last medical checkup." Mom said.

"Mom, I'm ready. I can leave anytime."

"Okay… So, you're going out in those pair of pajamas today huh?"

I finally realized that I'm still wearing hospital pajamas.

I giggled and said. "Yeah."

Now I am in the situation that is like I am going out on a date and getting ready for it. But I'm too excited so I don't really know what I am preparing for. And in fact, I'm just walking around and have done nothing.

'knock, knock.' Dr. Maria is at the door.

"How are you doing, Hazel? You must feel you are on top of the world right now aren't you?"

"How are you Dr. Maria. Definitely! I am going to miss you though. You are my life saver."

It has been a horrible months since I've diagnosed with lungs cancer. There were water filling and pneumonia killing my lungs one after another. made a miracle to my lungs and somehow I am still alive. Unbelievably I am able to be welcome this day and have the strength to go back to my house. So,yes. She is my savior. Well probably more than that.

"Well, I am so grateful to hear that. Now, let me do the last checkup." Dr,Maria said.

Checkup is like nothing because I'm feeling all better now. I know very well about my body condition.

"Alright, Hazel. Congratulations! You are good to go home."

"Thank you . Oh, and this is the letter that I ask you to send the other day."

I give an envelop that I have in my hand to Dr. Maria.

"Is it? Such a cute envelop with a nice flower pattern."

"Thanks. And it's scented! I put some perfume on it.

The name, address is already on it. I also put the telephone numbers just in case."

"Wu-! Sweet taste! Perfect. I'll remember this.

"Thank you so much, . It means a lot to me and hopefully it will."

I hug her snuggly and my tears almost roll down the side of my cheeks. She hugs me back without squeezing my lungs.

After my mom and dad gave a tearful appreciative words to , we finally leave for my home, my sweet home.

5 YEARS LATER

Lately, I am having meaningful life by watching TV channels and taking rest on my bed all day long. American Top Models is my favorite channel so far. Clearly my mom can't stand to see my life like this. She keeps asking me the same questions.

"Are you going to spend your teenage years by spending at home?"

"Are you trying to shut people out intentionally?"

"Why don't you try seeking some new hobbies?"

My answers are all "yeah" with full of ignorance.

But today, my mom is having something to say.

"Hazel, listen to me."

She switches off the TV suddenly.

"No no no no not now!"

Heart screaming: Thank you. That was the most interesting part of the program.

"You know, I am always thinking about your life and future and everything. And I am just wondering if you are interested in joining the Support Group. I saw this on bulletin board at the bus stop."

In fact, I've seen that notice before and I knew that there is a cancer patient support club. Bunch of cancer patients exchange and share their own experiences or perspectives of their life.

"Mom, please. I have lots of hobbies at home."

"What hobbies? It's good for you to get to know some new friends. You know just for sharing your life experiences and prospective and stuff like that."

"I do have friends. Oh yea, I am going to Kaitlyn's birthday party tomorrow. Is that ok?"

My childhood friend, Kaitlyn are going to have her 20 years-old birthday party tomorrow.

"Go ahead. But you'd better to think about that Support Group. It's going to be one of your precious memories of your teenage life"

"Not again mom. I do know what I am doing with my life and making friends isn't the number one priority right now at this point of my life."

I know I am just pretending that I am talking logically. It turns out that it's all just excuse of being lazy, depression and an escape from reality.

"Then what's your priority now?" said mom.

Heart screaming: OMG. That's exactly the point.

But I would say

"I am still looking for that in my own way. I think I need to take some rest for a little bit."

"Sweetie…"

"Mom. Please."

I hurriedly go into my room without turning on the light and directly lying on the bed. I feel a little bit sick. Not because of my mom, but my insane excuses. And I just wanted to avoid spitting more meaningless words.

Closing my eyes and thinking what am I supposed to do with my life? I am a cancer patient with cannula and it's not normal. But is the Support Group the only way to get the friends? Sharing experiences for what?

The more I think about this the more questions I come up with and it is just unsolvable.

KAITELYN"S BIRTHDAY

Today is Kaitlyn's birthday. It takes me forever to choose the clothing for today's party. I think I forget how to match the clothing. Because it's been a while since last time I chose my clothes for a party.

"This one?" I said.

"No. It makes you look fatter." Mom said.

"This?" I said.

"Nha. It's a birthday party. Not a funeral. Definitely no black for whole body." Mom said.

"Thi.." I did even say it completely.

"No. Never. Why did you even buy this kind of clothing?" Mom said.

"Then what about this one." I said.

"Yes, I like it! I think that's it." Mom said.

"Umm.. Not for me." I said.

"Okay. This is the bad idea for you to choose an outfit with me."

We both laughed.

"I think so. Just let me decide this by myself."

I tried again and again and finally decided to wear the clothing that I tried on at first. White sweater with long jeans skirt.

"I knew that you would wear that one." Mom said.

"Thanks mom. I'll take that as a compliment" I said.

We laughed.

On the way to Kaitlyn's house my mom ask me a lot about the party that I even don't know how to answer.

"Are there any alcohol beverages? How many people will be gathering?"

Okay this is like an investigation.

"Mom, I don't know all about these questions but I will report about these for sure."

"Are you happy to have a chance to get to know new friends?"

"Mom? I am just attending my best friend's birthday."

"Okay. There you go sweetie. Call me when you are ready to come back."

"Thanks mom. I'll see you later."

FINALLY, i got out of the car. Here I am Kaitlyn's house.

Walking to the front door and 'knock knock'.

The door is opening and Kaitlyn comes out.

"Awwww! You are here!" she hugs me so hard.

That's right this slender lady is the birthday girl. She got silky blonde hair and smooth skin. I used to love to play with her hair.

"I surly came! Happy birthday Kaitlyn! I am happy to be here today."

"Come on in! My friends have all arrived already."

We go inside the house and there is bunch of her friends sitting around the living room. There are also her mom and dad.

"Ladies and gentleman, my childhood friend is here. Let's start the party now!"

Music starts on and people start dancing and laughing with one another. Me of course, I have to sit on the sofa and talk to Kaitlyn.

"So, how are you these days?" She asked.

"Same all, literally the same. What about you?" I said.

"I started to go to work lately and met many new people.

And I am getting used to have an exercise at least twice a week."

"That's good for you. It sounds like everyday is fulfilling for you."

"It is. It's quite busy though. I feel exhausted sometimes."

She is having a perfect life and I can hardly tell that I am spending a nerd-like life by watching TV.

Heart Screaming: Being busy can be worrisome?

"I know right? But sometimes, busy life brings a lot benefits to you."

I said that ironically to myself and I almost smile wryly.

"That's what I thought too. Anyways, I'll get some cakes and drinks. Help yourself!"

"Thanks."

I gazed the living room. People are chatting and some are laughing so hard.

The guy sitting the other side of the corner caught my eyes.

Heart screaming: He is very attractive.

I use my hand to brush my bangs a little bit just in case he glance at me at any moment.

As the night goes on, everyone gets more excited, however, I am growing tired.

In fact, I almost fall asleep. Leaning on the sofa and staring at the ceiling.

"Hazel? Are you awake? Here are the friends I want to introduce to you."

"Huh?"

I am surprised with this very sudden introduction.

"This is Augustus Waters. Augustus, this is my childhood bestie Hazel Grace!"

Heart screaming: What? You are introducing me to him?

"Hi. I am Augustus." He said smiling at me.

His voice is really deep and pleasant.

Oh no. Go naturally Hazel. Go naturally.

"Hey. I am Hazel." And then, I feel that time has stand still. We stare at each other.

"What's that trunk for?" he asked very straightforwardly.

"This is cannula. These tubes give me oxygen and help me breathe."

"Right. That's cool. I mean, I feel sorry for your illness. But I used to be a cancer patient too. osteosarcoma. It's not like every patient can suit that, right? You are the lucky one."

"I think so. What about your health condition? Everything is good?"

"Yeah, currently NEC."

"Good to hear that."

We talked an hour. Talked and talked and talked. We were talking about current events, personal interests and even family matters and so on. But too be honest, I am running out of energy and almost collapse on the floor.

"I think I have to go home now. It's so nice to talk to you."

"It's fine. Hey, I think I want to know more about you."

Heart screaming: Yes!

We exchange numbers.

"I'll text you when I got home." I said.

"Ok. Take care! See you soon hopefully."

"See you soon!"

This was the craziest and funniest night ever. On the way to my house, mom is asking me some questions but I can barely understand what she was talking about because my head is filled with my perfect evening with Augustus tonight.

When I got home, I received a text from Augustus.

"Are you there?"

"Yes, I just got home."

"Okay, take a rest. I'll talk to you soon."

"You too! Good night."

I don't know whether this is the special feeling or not but I just don't think about this for now. I believe tomorrow will be an optimistic day too!

SUDDEN DATE

We have been texting for a week and I think we know each other even more.

"Hazel Grace, What are you up to?"

"Hey, I think I'm going to shopping with my mom or something."

Truth: I'm sitting on the couch and watching Top chef.

"Alright then, do you have any time to go out with me?"

I think I like to talk to him because he is really a straightforward person.

"I would love to Mr. Waters."

"What about this afternoon? Going out to the beach?"

"Sounds nice." I said.

"Alright. I'll pick you up at 1:30"

Heart screaming:OMG. I have no idea what I should wear for this!

I get upset at my closet because I see nothing I can wear for my date.

I even found the clothing I bought 10 years ago and never even touched. Finally I decided to wear a light yellow dress with light with flower patterns.

At 1:25 he arrived. What a punctual person! I got in the car.

"Hi. How are you doing?"

"I'm good. I went to bed pretty early yesterday. So I am totally ready to go."

"That's great. Fasten your seatbelt please."

He starts to drive. His driving is pretty much safe not too slow and not too fast.

I am enjoying the scenery through out of the car window. And I am wondering why these roads are so familiar. And then I fall asleep. This is my bad habit. When I get in the car, I tend to fall asleep easily.

"Hazel, we are here. Are you going to wait in the car? Or go together to get her?"

"Where? Who?"

I can't really understand what he talked about.

"We are here at Kaitlyn's house!"

"Kaitlyn?"

"Yes, your bestie! Kaitlyn!"

Heart screaming: What? Aren't we supposed to go on a date just you and me?

"Oh! She is coming! Why don't you girls just sit together in the rear seat so you guys can both talk." Augustus said.

Can someone tell me what is happening right now?

So is this the best friends' day or me becoming the third wheels day?

"How are you guys! I am so excited to go to the beach! Is health condition good Hazel?" Kaitlyn said.

"Yeah, I am good."

I think Augustus realizes my wonderful mood disappear when we went to pick up Kaitlyn.

At the beach, I barely speak. I Don't even want to see their faces.

I can't control my feelings it's just unsteady and I don't really know why I become so childish like this.

I keep telling them, I need to rest by sitting under the tree. But in fact, my body is completely fine. It's my heart. They splash water on each other and laugh. What a day.

On the way back home, Kaitlyn realized that I am in a bad mood.

"What happened?

"Nothing. I just need to rest."

"Just tell me! I know I got something to say."

Heart screaming: how do you know that though…

"Please leave me alone. I struggle with everything in my life right now. And I don't even know which part of my worries comes up."

The car stops and I saw my house through the side window of the car.

"Thanks."

I run through the yard get into the house and run into my room.

Holding my pillow on the bed and close my eyes. I just don't want to think about anything and I don't want to deal with it right now. Who am I? What should I do for my life?

THE LETTER

Few weeks later, I have heavy depression.

I have not talk with Kaitlyn since that day with Augustus and Kaitlyn.

Lately, I don't even have a motivation to keep the conversation with my mom. This is horrible.

I turned to 18 years-old and I thought thing would be better at this age.

I hear my mom's footsteps. She approaches my room.

'Knock knock'

"Hazel. Are you alright?"

"Mom, I am fine. Can I stay alone?"

"Sure, sweetie. But here you got a letter."

"A letter? From who?"

"I don't know. There is no sender information."

"Ok, just give it to me."

Heart racing; Jeez, Is it even possible that the sender didn't write his or her name? The letter from no one?

Once I take a look at the envelop, the flower patterned envelop, I notice who sent this to me.

I sniff up the smell of envelop that is supposed to be a sweet rose taste. Sadly it keeps only slight scent and is almost gone.

I open the envelop with a slight shivering of my hands pulling out the letter and I unfold it.

The letter starts with 'To Hazel Grace Lancaster in 5 years later…'

Wow, my handwriting was even uglier than it is now. I laughed.

To Hazel Grace Lancaster in 5 years after

Hi Hazel. Hazel here. How are you doing? Hopefully you are doing well. I just got through the lowest period of my life so far. Well, I believe you do clearly remember this hardest period, right? But I just want to write this letter in case if you forget the details or my reflections of this hardest but also the most important period of my life. Sometimes I feel like I am a fortunate person even though I got this deadly illness with me and probably the recurrence bothers me every single day for the rest of my life. Remember when you are taking a surgery, everyone including me thought it was over. Holding mom's hand and dad kept telling me how much he loves me. I mean that moment flashes back to my mind often when I am spaced out or even in the dream. It could be the last moment of my life. But it wasn't. I am here writing the letter. And you are there reading this letter (hopefully). How miraculous life is. How precious life can be.

There is only a fine line between life and death. So please don't be afraid of trying anything. Life can change depends on your attitude. And most importantly don't forget to show your respect and appreciation to people around you. Please talk to mom and dad everyday no matter what kind of life you are spending out there. Cherish the love they give you and keep moving on with your life journey.

Enjoy your life.

Yours sincerely,

Hazel Grace Lancaster 5 years ago

My eyes just couldn't hold tears. I am literally surprised by the letter even though it was writing by my own.

I was surprised because

1\. I realized that I was more mature 5 years ago than now.

2\. I've never thought that I would be inspired and encouraged by myself in past.

3\. I've forgotten so many things what I written in the letter.

And I feel really sorry for myself 5 years ago at this moment.

I started to think what I am doing. How can I spend my life like this? Arguing with parents and fighting with childhood friend? Those should be the last thing I do in my life.

I deserve this beautiful life. I should be challenging and cherishing people around me.

I am very thankful for getting the letter. I feel the renewal of my motivation and courage.

Folding up the letter I put it back in the envelop. Strongly sniffed up the smell once again and put it in the drawers.

Going downstairs and calling my mom.

"Mom! Mom?"

"Yes? What's going onl? Are you alright?"

I hugged my mom and said.

"Mom, I am so sorry for all of this. I won't act so childish anymore…

Oh and… I think I am going to join that Support Group."

That support group seems to be a great step forward to the next chapter of my life.

To be continued


End file.
